Warning: This will be all over the place.
It’s truly fucked up how much years can fuck up everything.
So I’m going to listen to the So Impossible EP on repeat, anyway. Because songs this sad and unadorned and unprecedented are somehow justifying, 10 years after I first burned them onto purple Memorex discs.
So sure that I am righteous, I hear what it is to hear honestly, and then it easily passes from one ear to other because I couldn’t care less. Because my head and my heart are living elsewhere,somewhere miles and mountains of feelings away…it would just feel so refreshing to have someone tell me something impossible, something wonderful. It’s very easy to detect what is false and what is desperate, because those things are all over…what’s more is to find something special, honest, unique, real, and those things are just not in front of my eyes or hands or mind at this time.
The past, though, reminds how it felt,and it is haunting, distracting.
I’m debating getting a pickup in the Epiphone so I can plug in.Cheaper than getting a new guitar, and it could sound really wonderful considering how it rings….I just don’t know if I feel like modifying my first guitar? Something pure about it I want to keep, hold onto, remember. Because so much else fades into nothing. Possessions are so transient, and people are too, so the few you manage to retain it may be best to preserve.
Above all I value honesty, beyond that, strength, and those are just really hard things to come by.
“I’m starting to fashion an idea in my head
where I would impress you
with every single word I said
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charmingand you’d want to call me
And I would be there every time
you’d need me
I’d be there every time…
But for now I’ll look so longingly
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me”