Amidst scanner traffic in my right ear, and the dull static of muted televisions in my left, a variety of songs are running through my head. They are comforting, but I am cynical in spite of their hope.

“These things will change….
Can you feel it now…
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down…”
Taylor Swift, Fearless

“Till the day when I stop making big mistakes…
And the clouds, they roll out of this whole damn state…
I believe in a place that I wanna go…
Honesty will leave me feeling liveable…
Once I change…”

~Good Things
The Dangerous Summer, War Paint

I’m feeling changeable. Maybe it’s the new job. Maybe it is because it’s New Year’s Eve. Maybe it’s because I don’t like the changes this year brought.

I think we need songs about change, especially when we’re going through it. We want to know that there is another side to our present, that there are new seeds to be a sown on a yet-undiscovered field. It makes it triumphant, it gives you something to stick your chest out for, but really it’s all for show. Really, change is frightening.

I just know I had what I wanted and it all changed. Now I have nothing but time, plus boatlods of frustration and sorrow to channel into something creative, a life’s mission I’ve done everything in my power to avoid having to succumb to completely.

You can change everything about your life – your job, your friends, your community, and you can mark time all you want with days, weeks, months, years. But you can’t change who you are, and you can’t run away from it.

I can tear down all the barriers I want to get to where I say I want to go, but it won’t change these desires. It won’t make them go away.