So, a couple weeks into my internship, I’ve been doing my research on the noteworthy pop tarts of the late aughts. Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez…even gave the Jonas Brothers a spin or two for good measure. While pop media and celebrity gossip is FAR from my cup of tea, I enjoy this internship. There’s some good food for thought buried in talking/writing/reading about celebs all the time, and I think it’ll valuable in my future media takeover *devil horns*

Anyway, I’ve come to a conclusion about these girls, these twig-thin jail bait pieces of ass. Their songs are all wretched. I hate them. I can’t even put them in the redeemable pop lyrics category (alongside my BFF Taylor Swift)…sure, these chicks can come up with hooks, but “we were once so strong/our love is like a song?” I’ve written better shit improvising a Capella after a night of vodka shots and flip cup with cheap beer.

You ever hear that song “Seven things?” At my most critic-y, I could vomit that that kind of lyrical styling is praised and accounted for (and making millions). A sampling:
I probably shouldn’t say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we shared
It was awesome but we lost it
It’s not possible for me not to care
And now we’re standing in the rain
But nothing’s ever gonna change until you hear
My dear

The seven things I hate about you
The seven things I hate about you oh you

You’re vain, your games
You’re insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh
You make me cry
I don’t know which side to buy
Your friends they’re jerks
When you act like them
Just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

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And she can’t sing live for shit. I feel really bad for the guys in their backing bands….how’d they get THAT gig (and why’d they accept? The dough, I assume).

Now, lots of these songs are alllll about heartbreak–“Don’t Forget,” “Seven Things,” etc. etc. There’s all kinds of heartache at any age, and I’m glad these girls are dishing out their feelings over the airwaves for all of us little people to “rock out” to. Please. You know how many heartbroken-in-high-school songs I’ve written? A lot. You know how many girls have done just that? Even more.

Sidenote: References to text messages in a song make you sound like an idiot whore, no matter who you are. This is a fact, I’m stating it now, and no one will take notice of this observation ’cause no one reads my blog.

Well, maybe I’m just bitter because I’m 21 and I don’t have a record deal-movie deal-Disney TV show and never will. Isn’t that what I would need to be a cool rock star these days? I can sing a perfect fifth and I can rhyme on the spot. Also, my ass looks good in booty shorts. Isn’t this enough for millions of dollars and fame? I even already have a Twitter account!!!!1

Please. Someone save rock music from these little siren-ettes. They glorify the idiocy of pre-teen girls to the point that it’s becoming an epidemic. Sure, my generation had Britney and Christina, but I don’t think it was quite the same. Just in a matter of 5, 10, 15 years….it’s a whole new mediascape where we can read these chicks every damn thought on their Twitter.

Sigh. But, they’ll continue to exist, and have reality shows into their late 50s, which by the outpouring of “Real Housewives” shows is clearly something American audiences are starving for. I’m left with one major question: Why is it so cool to be normal? Celebs weddings, babies, dates, meals, diet plans….we love their normalcy despite whatever their career is. Celebrating a celeb’s normalcy makes ours seem more acceptable, I guess. I don’t know!